"Korben? Korben my man? Wake up?" Ruby squealed. Despite the fact that a Mangalore rocket had split the monosyllabic and decidedly thuggish everyman-former-special-forces-taxi-driver in half, Ruby still held out hope that Fhloston Paradise's only hero might have a second act.
Dull dead eyes stared deep into the soul of the galaxy's number one radio personality. Ruby, crestfallen, mourned the loss of
his friendthe winner of the annual Gemini Croquet's Contest the only way he knew how. By screaming like a little girl.
"Quiet!" a guttural voice commanded.
"Is he dead?" another Mangalore growled.
"Go check. Kill the man in the dress."
Ruby heard the heavy footed stomping of the doglizard marching towards him, semiautomatic death primed, cocked, and ready to be delivered in three round bursts.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod what do I do, Korben?" Ruby wondered frantically as he shook Major Dallas' severed torso.
The Plavalaguna was dead. Dallas was dead. Ship security was dead. Stewart, David, and Carlton were no where to be found.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, I'm gonna die. I DON'T WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Ruby cried.
"Silence, meat popsicle!" the Mangalore cried.
This was it. Ruby Rhod was going to die on live radio. The galaxy would hear his screams cut short by a bullet. The number one radio host, amorous adventurer, playboy, style genius, rumor mill, the preeminent voice of talent and the galaxy's most talented voice, snuffed out before his time. How could they do that to him? He was too beautiful to die.
He was too beautiful to die.
He was Ruby Rhod, the sexiest voice in the universe. He made ladies quiver. He had all positions. He had fire, he had energy, he hadpop. Was he nervous in the service?
"Hands up!" the Mangalore snarled.
"Hold on!" Ruby cried, swinging a coat full of blood covered stones, "Hold on! I have something very important here. Stones--stones most critical, pivotal, your boss will want to take a look at them."
The fanged creature looked at him with dim witted confusion. Big teeth, big forehead, big ears, and a big stink. But not too bright.
"Ok, my man? We gotta take these to your boss. To. Your. Boss," Ruby repeated loud and slow, his hands spelling out the words in sign language, "You green?"
The Mangalore sniffed hesitantly.
"Have you been smoking with Baby Ray? I said we need to see your boss. BzzzzZZzzzz."
"Get up," The Mangalore said.
"Ok, ok, I'm getting up. I'm just making a radio show. Don't shoot."
"Move!" the Mangalore shouted, jamming his gun into Ruby.
"Ow! What's wrong with you?! BzzZZZZzzzzzz" Ruby yelled, slapping the Mangalore.
"Move!" the Mangalore yelled again. Ruby noticed two billiard balls on the floor. One red, one white. Gifts from Baby Ray. They weren't a gun, but they'd do.
"Ok, my man, I'm moving," Ruby replied, stepping gingerly over the balls. As he picked his steps carefully, he listened for the thunderous footfalls behind him.
Stomp. Stomp. Slip. Smash.
The Mangalore had tripped on the billiard balls. Taking the pistol that Korben had given him in the concert hall from out of the blue blood soaked jacket, Ruby turned around a put a bullet in the warrior's head. He then snapped to the front and shot the second Mangalore at the machine gun.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Ruby dropped the pistol in favor of two rifles, "I don't appreciate these punk-ass, busta-ass, jheri curl wearin'-ass aliens coming down here to shoot at me and my homies. They'd like to got dealt with."
Ruby headed to the control room. If there were more of these stank ass big browed Florida Evans looking motherfuckers, they were likely holed up there. As he approached the bridge, he found security locked in a firefight outside the door.
"Hey!," Ruby screamed at a man quivering by the door, "You large and in charge here?"
"Ye-yeah," he stuttered.
"How many punks behind that door?"
"I-I don-don't know--"
"Well, let's count... but who cares?!" Ruby cried as he dove across the threshold, both guns blazing.
Four on the left. Two on the right. Six about to die.
"One more shot and we start killing hostages," growled a Mangalore, "Send someone to negotiate!"
"Negotiate?" Ruby wondered.
"Uh, I-I never negotiated before."
"This ain't no democracy," Ruby cried, charging into the room. With a single shot, he ended the hostage crisis and saved Fhloston Paradise, leaving five stunned Mangalores with their heads in their hands, wondering at their dead leader, "This is the United States of Ruby Rhod. I'm the president, I'm the emperor, I'm the king. I'm Michael Jackson, you Tito. Your ass belongs to me. Green? Supergreen? Or does anyone else want to negotiate?"